Confronting the Trauma left by Viet Nam: An Interview with Phil Downer, Part 1

BMC: Tell us briefly about your experience serving in the Viet Nam War. 

PD: As a 19-year old, I had no discipline. I flunked out of college. I didn't like to be told what to do. And I didn't like to get up early in the morning. So, of course, I enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps. That was a real shock. I was trained as an infantry machine gunner. As you may know, gunners have one of the shortest life expectancies in combat. I began my combat tour in 1967. We were in combat situations on a routine basis. There were two particular battles that were the most horrific. 

BMC: What happened? 

PD: The first of these painful battles was during Operation Swift in Que Son Valley. We were sent in to assist a sister 5th Marine battalion that had been surrounded. I remember sitting in the helicopter going out as a fairly new Marine, trying to deal with my fear. I looked around and saw experienced men like Sergeant Wadsley, a veteran of the Korean War and Sergeant Shaffer, another very good Marine. Both had brought me under their wings and helped me as a young Marine. I really took strength from knowing that I was with the best. When our helicopter landed we were met with only minor resistance, but sometime later that afternoon we, too, were pinned down in what turned out to be a four-hour battle. Many men were lost or wounded that day including the men I looked up to, Sergeants Wadsley and Shaffer. 

The second, even more intense battle occurred about six weeks later. In Operation Essex I was once again headed out in the helicopter, looking at the guys around me, digging for courage, digging for character. The Marines taught us that to overcome fear, we had to reach down deep into our character. As I looked around at my fellow Marines in that helicopter, I realized everyone was looking at me -- suddenly I was the senior man, the combat veteran. That was a real shocker to me. In just six weeks I had become the one from whom they received strength. By that time, I had also been promoted to machine gun team leader and one of my best friends, a Marine named John Atkinson, had been promoted to fill my spot, taking over my machine gun. After we landed, we were once again ambushed. Our platoon was ordered to go around the left flank. I got hit taking a bullet through the bottom of my pack. Fortunately, it didn't penetrate my pack or hurt me but it did knock me down. That's when a weight fell on top of me -- it was John and my old machine gun. He was dead in my arms. The NVA had waited for the rest of us to go by first and then had targeted the gunner. I realized then that not only had I lost someone under my leadership; not only had I lost one of my best friends; but it was obvious to me that he had died in my place. Three days earlier, it would have been me. That day over twenty-five percent of our troops were dead or wounded. I have never been able to forget the screams and horror of it all. I remember some of the things that happened during those two operations more vividly than I remember my wedding day or the day my kids were born. Little did I know at the time that, for my life, heart, and future, the battle had only just begun. 

In part two, Phil describes the effect on the war on his family, job, and personal life.  Read more here.