Confronting the Trauma left by Viet Nam: An Interview with Phil Downer, Part 3

PD: I made that vow when I kissed the tarmac of the Marine Corp Air Station at El Toro, California on the day I returned home in 1968. 

BMC: What made you change your mind? 

PD: A number of Marine Vet friends of mine who had gone back and found it valuable suggested that I go. But I had no interest in going back to the place that held so many painful memories for me. I felt like I had gained tremendous healing through Jesus Christ. I knew I was forgiven. I was no longer mad at the North Vietnamese, Lyndon Johnson, or Jane Fonda. The nightmares became very infrequent. My anger had subsided and I became a gentle guy, for the most part. 

Recently, however, I was invited to participate in a project being undertaken by RBC Ministries (website), formerly Radio Bible Class. They were planning to produce a four-part video series on the impact of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to air on cable television as a help to returning war vets. They asked if I would be willing to return to Viet Nam with their film crew and talk about the impact of the war on me and my family. It was not something I wanted to do. I really struggled with the decision because I had vowed never to return. It seemed, though, to have the fingerprints of Christ all over it. It's the kind of thing God does. He challenges and stretches me. Besides, the purpose of the film production is to help other war veterans like me, which is a cause that is very close to my heart. 

BMC: What surprises did you find there? 
 

PD: First and foremost, I now have wonderful memories replacing my old horrible memories of that place. The Vietnamese people showed no hostility. They were eager to meet me and the children would hold my hands. Those who were there during the war wanted to know where I fought. On one occasion, I wore part of my combat Marine uniform which I had worn during Operation Essex and a man came up to me and rubbed the sleeve with his forefinger and thumb and looked at me and said "First trip to Viet Nam?" I answered, "No, my second." He looked me right in the eye, rubbing my sleeve, and with a warm smile, said, "It's been a long time hasn't it?" "Yes, sir it has," I replied. He came and went so quickly, but I just knew he was in the opposing army. But what he left me with was his smile. 

Setting all politics aside, Viet Nam is now very much the country that I thought I was fighting for. The communist supervisor that accompanied us described Viet Nam as a communist country with a capitalist economic system. That system is changing the country dramatically. The people are prospering, private ownership is rising steadily, and the people are industrious. It was wonderful to go back. I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to return. 

BMC: How did the trip change you personally? 

PD: I was able to go back to An Hoa, the base from which we launched Operations Essex and Swift where so many men lost their lives. We were able to locate the airbase out in the middle of nowhere, behind a village on a little hill. All that remained was the landing strip. It was haunting to see a landing strip with nothing around it, totally unused but still there. From that landmark, I could figure out exactly where I had been. I also visited the little village that I had patrolled many, many times and met many people in the market. I noticed some of the women talking amongst themselves and was informed by our communist supervisor that they were asking each other if any of them remembered me from 40 years ago. I'll never forget that as long as I live. 

I still cannot untangle the political, strategic, and human quagmire of my experience in Viet Nam. It was a war of great contradictions. But to see it the way it is now made what we did seem worth it. There was a purpose for the painful sacrifices that were made. For many years I've not been able to shake the sense that I had left the finest men I had ever known over there with torn bodies, broken limbs, blown off legs, and holes in their bodies. I had left them behind. Now, in a very real sense, I felt like I was finally able to bring them home. 

BMC: Did the trip bring closure for you? 

PD: I think it brought closure in some respects and new openings in other ways. It's certainly brought additional healing for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that I'm one hundred percent free of PTSD this side of Heaven. We all have our wounds, our burdens, challenges, and weaknesses that we carry. There likely will never be a time when I hear fireworks going off that I won't think about those battles. As far as my life purpose, Viet Nam is a very difficult chapter of my story that God has used in challenging and important ways. As Jesus said, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." I'm grateful that He gave me that chance to serve, and I'm also grateful He gave me this second chance to return. I will never forget all the smiling and laughing children I met there. It's a powerful testament to the fact that God is still in the business of redeeming entire nations, marriages, and even our individual hearts. My greatest joy now is to help others discover the same life-changing work of healing and restoration that God has brought about in me.