David Murrow is an ordinary guy who began looking for answers as to why so many guys hated going to church. His research culminated in a book published in 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Why Men Hate Going To Church. In it he provides insights to why men struggle with church attendance and provides solutions to win them back.
David is the Director of Church for Men, an organization devoted to helping churches revive their masculine spirit. BoldMan Chronicles caught up with him to get a sneak peek of some of his perspectives on men in the church.
BMC: David, what was your inspiration for writing about why men hate going to church?
DM: One day while I was a little bored in church, I looked around and noticed that most of the other guys appeared bored too. I saw a room occupied more by women than men. Opening the bulletin, I discovered most of the ministry opportunities were targeted at women: child care, teaching, singing, and cooking. The sanctuary was filled with the feminine décor of quilted banners and flowers - everything seemed to be designed to appeal to a middle aged woman. When I looked at the scriptures, however, a different picture emerged. Jesus targeted young men. It seemed to me there was a big disconnect between the approach of Christ and the approach of our churches today. I decided to research the perspectives that men have which formed the basis for my book.
BMC: Your book has received a lot of national attention from such media giants as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Washington Post. Were you surprised in any way by the reception it received?
DM: Surprised, no. Delighted, yes. The book strikes a chord for a lot of people. It has received a significant amount of attention from the secular press, but not as much from Christian media. This could be because it addresses more than a just a religious issue. It is a sociological one. The topic of how the sexes respond differently to church has a broad appeal.
BMC: How would you characterize the response you received from church leaders that you speak to that have read your book?
DM: Very positive. I have had good response from a wide variety of organizations: everything from Roman Catholics to Mormons. Every branch of Christianity has an interest in what I have written. The phenomenon of men being absent from church is unique to Christianity. You don't find it among those that practice Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, or Hinduism.
BMC: You refer to yourself as a man in the pew. How does that perspective help you to understand why men hate going to church?
DM: Pastors, in general, do not realize how hard it is to be a layman. What I mean is that most guys struggle with how to build relationships. On the other hand, pastors possess gifts that make them very good at leading church. They are good at relationships and helping those who are hurting. They are good at reading and studying the Bible. Many pastors are also musical and artistic, skills needed in the church. Pastors are not typical men. They possess unique skills that make them good at doing church, which is different than the average man, who often lacks the "soft skills" one needs to be a good churchman.
BMC: In your book you write that the now is the time to call the church back to men. What do you mean by this?
DM: Many men's movements and organizations, like Promise Keepers, have been calling men back to the church. Yet, what I am saying is that the churches should be called back to men. Our church cultures are not designed with the needs of men in mind: the rituals, the forms, the way that we express our love to God, and the metaphors. All of these are easier for women to relate to than men. The church needs to understand how to attract men. The church needs to speak their language. It has to examine why feminine activities like scrap booking are more acceptable than masculine activities like paint ball.
BMC: What did you mean when you wrote that the ideology of masculinity has replaced Christianity as the true religion of American men?
DM: Simply, that there is nothing more important to a man than his manhood. As long as Christianity is perceived by large numbers of men as the province of women, you are not going to see many men embracing it. Men who practice their Christian faith are perceived to be weak or "girly men" by our culture.
BMC: You also describe something you referred to as a "spiritual thermostat" in the church. Talk more about that.
DM: Most churches have their thermostat set on "comfort", but Jesus had his thermostat set on "challenge". Jesus had no problems with challenging men. A lot of congregations have forgotten this strategy; they have the thermostat set on "comfort". If we want to get guys back into the pews, we have to set it to "challenge."
BMC: How have women responded to your book and your ideas?
DM: Women have really liked it. When I speak at churches, I get bombarded with questions on how to get their sons, brothers, and husband to church. Surprisingly, many women's leaders and women pastors have been very positive about my book. However, there are a few, angry feminists who think that I am advocating the oppression of women, which is not what I'm saying at all. Overall, the responses from women have been positive. When a woman sees her husband, her brother, father, and son walking with the Lord, 'oppression' is not the word that comes from her mouth; it is 'liberation'. That is the goal - not the assertion of male dominance.
BMC: What have you done in your personal life to make going to church more rewarding in your life?
DM: First of all, I changed churches! Many churches are pretty far gone when it comes to reaching men. Churches have become the province of women. In most churches, men are attractive accessories. They are nice, but not necessary. Unfortunately, I could not relate to my church any longer, so I looked for a church that spoke a more masculine language, focused on men's issues, and was goal oriented. As a result, I have been more challenged and am growing.
BMC: Would you encourage a man who finds himself bored in church to look for another one?
DM: Well, not necessarily. If there is a core of enthusiastic men, they should get together. They should ask the pastor to disciple them. Male discipleship is the bottom line. If you are being discipled by a leader that you respect, then you can thrive in any church. I am not an advocate of switching churches.
BMC: If you could speak to one issue that will help the church attract more men, what would it be?
DM: A shorter sermon! The number one reason men don't like going to church is a long, boring sermon. The praise and worship movement has been good for the church in many ways, but the weakness is the tendency for the songs to be too long. Men get bored and restless by too many choruses. In most churches, relationships are first and missions are second. To keep men from leaving, it will take changing the focus of the church from relationships to missions. Men want to accomplish things. They ask questions like, "What are we here to accomplish?" Men need to know why they are coming to church.
BMC: Thanks for speaking with us today.
BMC: David, what was your inspiration for writing about why men hate going to church?
DM: One day while I was a little bored in church, I looked around and noticed that most of the other guys appeared bored too. I saw a room occupied more by women than men. Opening the bulletin, I discovered most of the ministry opportunities were targeted at women: child care, teaching, singing, and cooking. The sanctuary was filled with the feminine décor of quilted banners and flowers - everything seemed to be designed to appeal to a middle aged woman. When I looked at the scriptures, however, a different picture emerged. Jesus targeted young men. It seemed to me there was a big disconnect between the approach of Christ and the approach of our churches today. I decided to research the perspectives that men have which formed the basis for my book.
BMC: Your book has received a lot of national attention from such media giants as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and The Washington Post. Were you surprised in any way by the reception it received?
DM: Surprised, no. Delighted, yes. The book strikes a chord for a lot of people. It has received a significant amount of attention from the secular press, but not as much from Christian media. This could be because it addresses more than a just a religious issue. It is a sociological one. The topic of how the sexes respond differently to church has a broad appeal.
BMC: How would you characterize the response you received from church leaders that you speak to that have read your book?
DM: Very positive. I have had good response from a wide variety of organizations: everything from Roman Catholics to Mormons. Every branch of Christianity has an interest in what I have written. The phenomenon of men being absent from church is unique to Christianity. You don't find it among those that practice Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, or Hinduism.
BMC: You refer to yourself as a man in the pew. How does that perspective help you to understand why men hate going to church?
DM: Pastors, in general, do not realize how hard it is to be a layman. What I mean is that most guys struggle with how to build relationships. On the other hand, pastors possess gifts that make them very good at leading church. They are good at relationships and helping those who are hurting. They are good at reading and studying the Bible. Many pastors are also musical and artistic, skills needed in the church. Pastors are not typical men. They possess unique skills that make them good at doing church, which is different than the average man, who often lacks the "soft skills" one needs to be a good churchman.
BMC: In your book you write that the now is the time to call the church back to men. What do you mean by this?
DM: Many men's movements and organizations, like Promise Keepers, have been calling men back to the church. Yet, what I am saying is that the churches should be called back to men. Our church cultures are not designed with the needs of men in mind: the rituals, the forms, the way that we express our love to God, and the metaphors. All of these are easier for women to relate to than men. The church needs to understand how to attract men. The church needs to speak their language. It has to examine why feminine activities like scrap booking are more acceptable than masculine activities like paint ball.
BMC: What did you mean when you wrote that the ideology of masculinity has replaced Christianity as the true religion of American men?
DM: Simply, that there is nothing more important to a man than his manhood. As long as Christianity is perceived by large numbers of men as the province of women, you are not going to see many men embracing it. Men who practice their Christian faith are perceived to be weak or "girly men" by our culture.
BMC: You also describe something you referred to as a "spiritual thermostat" in the church. Talk more about that.
DM: Most churches have their thermostat set on "comfort", but Jesus had his thermostat set on "challenge". Jesus had no problems with challenging men. A lot of congregations have forgotten this strategy; they have the thermostat set on "comfort". If we want to get guys back into the pews, we have to set it to "challenge."
BMC: How have women responded to your book and your ideas?
DM: Women have really liked it. When I speak at churches, I get bombarded with questions on how to get their sons, brothers, and husband to church. Surprisingly, many women's leaders and women pastors have been very positive about my book. However, there are a few, angry feminists who think that I am advocating the oppression of women, which is not what I'm saying at all. Overall, the responses from women have been positive. When a woman sees her husband, her brother, father, and son walking with the Lord, 'oppression' is not the word that comes from her mouth; it is 'liberation'. That is the goal - not the assertion of male dominance.
BMC: What have you done in your personal life to make going to church more rewarding in your life?
DM: First of all, I changed churches! Many churches are pretty far gone when it comes to reaching men. Churches have become the province of women. In most churches, men are attractive accessories. They are nice, but not necessary. Unfortunately, I could not relate to my church any longer, so I looked for a church that spoke a more masculine language, focused on men's issues, and was goal oriented. As a result, I have been more challenged and am growing.
BMC: Would you encourage a man who finds himself bored in church to look for another one?
DM: Well, not necessarily. If there is a core of enthusiastic men, they should get together. They should ask the pastor to disciple them. Male discipleship is the bottom line. If you are being discipled by a leader that you respect, then you can thrive in any church. I am not an advocate of switching churches.
BMC: If you could speak to one issue that will help the church attract more men, what would it be?
DM: A shorter sermon! The number one reason men don't like going to church is a long, boring sermon. The praise and worship movement has been good for the church in many ways, but the weakness is the tendency for the songs to be too long. Men get bored and restless by too many choruses. In most churches, relationships are first and missions are second. To keep men from leaving, it will take changing the focus of the church from relationships to missions. Men want to accomplish things. They ask questions like, "What are we here to accomplish?" Men need to know why they are coming to church.
BMC: Thanks for speaking with us today.
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