Interview with Wes Yoder

BMC: You've been in the publishing world for a long time, leading an organization that's brought a lot of visibility to many authors and speakers. Yet, this is your first book. What inspired you to take up the pen and write Bond of Brothers?

WY: Years ago, I read a piece by C.S. Lewis on writing in which he said if one has something to say, it is possible to find words by which to say it, but the key is knowing what you want to say. Bond of Brothers took me awhile. I saw and felt what I wanted to say well in advance of finding the words that captured the message. I spent five years in the process of observation and writing about friendships, my relationships to other guys, and what I saw as a great sadness among men, that is, the shallowness that marks much of our life together. Men, I noted, are ushered to their greatest silence at the time of life when they have the most to say, when they have more to contribute than at any other time of their life. But they remain silent because they do not believe this.  

It was my daughter's marriage that provided my wake-up call. I had no context whatsoever to discuss with other men what it really means for a father to give his daughter "to one of us" yet giving their daughter(s) in marriage is one of the most significant things a man will ever do.

BMC: What's been the initial response from readers to your book so far?

WY: Men are saying many kind things, but especially that Bond of Brothers is giving them a starting point to go deeper in friendship, a language, if you will, to express themselves in new ways among their friends. Several men have told me, "You wrote my autobiography. How did you do that?"  Women readers are saying it's a book for them, too, to better understand the men and boys they love.

BMC: What one thing would you like men, in particular, to do differently as a result of reading your book?

WY: I'd like us to learn how to ask better questions that lead us deeper, to come to understand the value of reinvesting in friendship even after experiencing the hurt and betrayal that every man knows. Friendship can be costly. Sometimes it means we have to invest time, give of our hearts, or use hard-earned resources. Sometimes it means we lay down our lives for the good of a friend, or are misunderstood.  My hope is that many guys will come to see this investment in others not only as "worth it", but to accept that being life-givers is a vocation to which men are called by God. I believe Jesus wants us to see, at the very minimum, that the Kingdom of God is a table-full of friends who have been invited to The Great Feast.

BMC: Bond of Brothers, in many ways it seems, is a collection of insights you've gained from your "Dinner and Conversation" group? How did that group come to be and what made that time so effective for men to be open with others?

WY: I was always impressed with accounts of Sir Winston Churchill and his regular dinners with friends, and of the Inklings who seemed to treasure conversation in ways that eclipsed our modern American way of life.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book, Life Together, was also a tremendous influence in my early spiritual formation. 

I noticed that in the company of women most men defer or don't say much about what they are actually thinking. On the safe subjects, certainly, but on the things they care about more deeply, not so much. I noticed conversations on my porch with a couple of the guys always went places we never tended to go in mixed company and I observed in this a significant insecurity in men such as one experiences when learning to speak a new language. Coupled with observations that my conversations with most guys never really went anywhere, a friend of mine and I decided to start a dinner for men to see if guys cared to talk about the things we never or seldom discuss. That was the birth of our Dinner and Conversation group.

We discovered quickly when we asked questions that give the opportunity to go deep, but of themselves are not condemning, men will begin to tell you of the deepest part of their souls, not all at once, not with all the detail at first, but will begin in a safe environment to share their life as it actually exists, not just as they wish it to be. This is critical to actually becoming alive. Life is a gentle thing that needs nurture, but once a man is alive, the strength, gentleness and confidence that flow from him give life to others. We are discovering more of this as time goes by. We talk about spiritual friendship and the spirituality of just about anything, and we invite Jesus, who says we are his friends, to be present with us in our friendship with each other.

BMC: Of all the questions you explored in Bond of Brothers, which do you think most men have difficulty coming to terms with?

WY: With the issue that life is so much more difficult than they expected it would be. That is not a question in and of itself, but we have asked many questions around this theme. What is the greatest sorrow of your life? What is your greatest fear right now? Why did our fathers seldom tell us of their struggles, or their weakness? What should I be telling my son?

What we are learning is that we do not have to "fix" each other and we don't have to know all the answers. But we are also learning to become present with each other in our afflictions, our sorrow, and in the struggles of our manhood and life on the fallen planet. We are learning that the truth helps, really helps, and that Jesus enjoys being with us and that has put a smile back on our faces. Our fears are not what they once were.

BMC: One of the key premises of your book is that the "more a man knows himself, the more he knows other men." What are some of the ways you might suggest a man, especially a young man with fewer life experiences, can grow in the kind of self awareness that your book portrays?

WY: We are told by life experience and by the Word of God to get wisdom. God says he will give wisdom to anyone who asks, and will not scold him for asking. We see the benefits this provided to Solomon and think some of the benefits might be quite nice. Solomon also wrote, "Get wisdom, but above all else, get discernment." Discernment is the sharpening of wisdom, the refinement of knowledge until knowledge becomes a useful tool, and with respect to oneself, discernment is a genuine understanding of who I actually am or am not. Discernment provides the authentic character assessment of who I am when no one is looking.

Authenticity of soul and spirit comes from making no agreements except with the truth. In other words, I will allow no lie about myself, not even those I love the most, to become my reality. I will not permit insecurity or fear, neither pride nor arrogance, to rule over me since all of these are rooted in lies or half-truths. I will not listen to the deceitful voice of abusers, lies, fear or self-aggrandizement. Instead, I will ask God to reveal what is true about me. I will seek His voice and ask him to show me when I began believing specific lies that come to mind. I will accept the reality of what is actually true about me as my starting point for transformation and accepting my identity as a son of the Father. This will become the reality I accept day by day, both the good and what is shabby or broken, so that the change He is doing in my life can actually continue until I am transformed into the image of Christ.

BMC: Thanks, Wes, for taking the time with us and for the investment you've made in Bond of Brothers to capture the significant questions men are asking themselves.